Don't you love the feeling when you rise out of bed after a good night's sleep, open your double doors, step out on your balcony, take a deep breath, and see the most recent asshole who has wronged you twisted up like a pretzel after having his bones broken on the Wagon Wheel.
No? Just me? Okay, you want to make it easier for your criminal lawyer to defend you. Got it. (I wink badly at you.)
The Breaking Wheel, so named for its intention to inflict pain and suffering, was often performed in front of large crowds or, as I like to say, audiences. People love a good public torture. What can I say?
Used throughout history, it started as a punishment for the most severe crimes, such as murder and highway robbery. In the time of the Black Death, it served to punish those suspected of spreading disease.
You have to wonder what someone was thinking when they invented this method of torture. Here's a giant wheel, some rope, and a large mallet. "Hey, boys, I have an idea."
WHEEL OF TORTURE
When getting your wagon wheel ready for the coming torture, you must first decide whether to lay it flat while doing your dirty work or stand it upright. Both are acceptable. However, how you break your volunteers defines if they are:
Broken by the Wheel
Lay the Wheel flat, strap the condemned to it, then drop another wheel on them, crushing their bones.
Broken on the Wheel
Stand the Wheel upright, strap the condemned to it, then use your desired weapon to crush their bones.
Next comes the decision on how to strap the afflicted soul to the Wheel:
Suspended Vertically
Facing the Wheel
Around the Circumference of the Wheel
Now that you have done your preparation, it is time to get to work. Picking whether to start at the head or the feet is like deciding which end of the hotdog to eat first. Romans would often begin at the ankles and work their way up. In the middle ages, they would strike the body nine times, twice in each arm and leg, and then a final blow to the spine. Those lucky recipients got off easy. To make the breaking of the bones more severe, feel free to put their joints on a sharp edge block before you crush them.
After tenderizing your flesh bag, it's time to weave their limbs in the Wheel's spokes. Do not try this step before you break the bones, as it is more convenient after, as the shattered bones allow for greater flexibility. All that's left now is to sit back and enjoy your work.
Let the condemned hang on the Wheel as their blood soaks into the cracked and worn wood. Light a fire under them just to see if they burn. According to history records, they are at your whim until they finally pass on, which could be between a couple of hours and a few days.
Make a weekend of it and invite the whole town just like they used to in the good old days.
CATHERINE DIDN'T GET FREEDOM; SHE GOT BEHEADED
The Wheel, also known as Catherine's Wheel, was named after Saint Catherine of Alexandria. A young woman, possibly a princess, was due to feel its wrath after converting thousands to Christianity and besting the Roman Emperor Maxentius.
Calling for the young woman, The Emperor forced a debate between her and his scholars. During the discussion, some of his men converted and were killed on the spot. Catherine was forced into a cell and beaten, but not severely enough for the Emperor's liking, so he ordered her death on the Spiked Wheel Rack.
So is said, one touch from Catherine, and the Wheel crumbled. Disgruntled, the Emperor had the poor woman beheaded. As the years went on, the breaking of the Wheel under its prey was considered an Act of God, and the offender was released. Beaten and broken but released.
That shit doesn't seem fair; Catherine broke it with a touch. She didn't have it worn down throughout her beating. The executioner did half the work for all those freed by divine intervention. Lucky bastards.
SHAME THE DAMNED The very public viewing of a prisoner being dismantled by the Wheel served as a message. Brake the law, oppose those in power, and you will be shattered into pieces while your friends, family, and worst enemy watch. The violence of the past is relevant today as it shows us that though we think we have come so far, we haven't. It is still in our nature to punish those that violate the laws. We plaster their faces across billions of tablets, phones, and other electric devices. Showing the masses too big to gather in town square what they would face if they break the rules. While needed and effective to prevent certain crimes, this behavior inspires a particular segment of the population to think it's okay to punish those that violate their own personal statute. It is not. DO NOT TORTURE AND KILL ANYONE ON THE THE BREAKING WHEEL. But what harm could it do to imagine their screams as you weaved their busted thigh bones through the wagon spokes? A little bit of creative yard art for the mind never hurt anyone.
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