Murder is "the crime of unlawfully and unjustifiably killing a person" with "premeditated malice." I don't know about you, but I've considered ending a few lives with some "premeditated malice."
There have been many plans; plans to end the bully that picked on me in the schoolyard, the boyfriend who broke my heart, and the friend who stabbed me in the back. I've thought about how to end them all. And just when I convinced myself I couldn't be more cruel and demented, I got married and had kids. You know what it's like to suddenly have a vision of spiking your teenage daughter through the skull with a kitchen knife after she smarts off to you in the attitude you gave her. It will throw you for a loop.
What? No? Don't you? Is it just me? Shit.
So besides the fact that I'd have to clean up the blood, and I love her so much if I followed through, I'd most likely spend the rest of my life in prison, which is not an option for me.
I LIKE TO SET MY OWN HOURS
I don't have the 9am to 5pm life. I did have the 9am to 10pm life when I worked at the liquor store for the better part of six to seven years. Talk about some people you want to see have an "accident." The hours in prison don't really work for me. Breakfast at 6am. My ass doesn't get out of bed at 6am for anything. Leave me alone. I'm going back to sleep. And waiting in line to boot. Not happening. Not for nothing, but the strip searches would be a significant bother.
PRISON ORANGE LOOKS GOOD ON NO ONE
Criminal wardrobe is that criminal. There isn't anybody putting on a fashion show, and if they are, they're going to solitary. The material used in prison uniforms is low-quality, not form-fitting, and has no pockets. Let's face it, you broke the law, you gotta suffer, but I like a splash of color occasionally. Goodness sake, every now and then, I love to wear my tiara. Yes, tiara. Why? Because I can, who's going to stop me? Accessories go over poorly in the system, and I'm anything but plain.
HAVING THE BATHROOM TO MYSELF IS A MUST
When I have to do my business, I like to do it alone, aside from the dogs who think I need assistance. Using the "throne" is private time. You grunt, push, let out your sigh of relief, and then do your awkward twist to wipe your ass. It's not a pretty or sexual site unless you're into that sort of thing. I'm not judging.
There is no privacy in prison. There are no locks on the door; however, there are plenty of people to yell for if you find your roll empty.
Toilets also double as a place to wash clothes, and make wine, even call your neighbor up or downstream whose sewer system runs on the same pipeline. My mind plays an image of two prisoners talking while another on the floor between them drops a turd and flushes. Someone is getting shit-faced.
You don't know peace until you've seen violence. It's a shame it must be that way, but that's how it is. We are not born good or evil we are both. We have beauty and darkness. It's okay to embrace that darkness. I'm not saying to go out and murder people. DO NOT MURDER PEOPLE. It's messy and dead bodies are heavy when they're whole. But there is nothing wrong with a bit of fantasy, fun, and entertainment. I'm just doing my best to put my darkness to good use.
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